Captain Chastity
by ride2night
Summary: "Is this topic making you uncomfortable? Is it too much for your pure mind to handle? We should just change your name to Captain Chastity." Tony suggested nonchalantly as the rest of the Avengers roared with laughter around the conference room table.


"Is this topic making you uncomfortable? Is it too much for your pure mind to handle? We should just change your name to Captain Chastity." Tony suggested nonchalantly as the rest of the Avengers roared with laughter around the conference room table. Steve, however, did not think it was so _hilarious_. He glared blatantly at the laughing hyenas with his arms crossed.

"I don't see what's so funny about a man waiting for the right woman." Steve argued. "Besides, how the heck did this topic come up anyway?" he asked, frustrated.

"What does it matter? The point is we need to find you a woman to help release your pent up frustration, Cap." Tony remarked suggestively. The rest of the group mumbled their agreement. It had been obvious that the Captain had been more testy than before, starting arguments with everyone about everything.

"Yeah, no offense Captain, but the "friendly" punches to the shoulders after I crack a joke don't really feel so friendly," added Clint, while rubbing his bruised shoulder at the memory.

"And your subtle dislike of my swearing isn't so subtle, Steve," Natasha decided to mention.

"Why is this the first time I've heard of this?" Steve exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air.

"That would be because we don't want another woman yelling at us, no offense Natasha." Tony said nodding to Natasha.

"None taken," Natasha claimed, shrugging her shoulders.

"I do not see what the problem is, my friend. A man like yourself should have no problem finding a woman to lay with. I myself had my first maiden in my early youth." Thor decided to throw in. "She was a wild one. I do believe she was beheaded for some crime," he added as an afterthought.

"Oh really, Thor? Has Ms. Foster heard about this?" Steve asked, raising an eyebrow, trying to turn the tables away from him. Thor quickly paled.

"I do not see a reason for her to hear of my years as a youth. That is the past and my own history." Thor quickly responded.

"Exactly. And this is _my _own history." Steve said, taking in turn glaring at each member of the team.

"Yeah, guys," Bruce cut in, feeling the tension. "What he does or _who_ he does is his own business." Tony raised a questioning eyebrow at the fellow Avenger.

"Are you suggesting something, Bruce? Like that our little soldier, here, goes for the other team, perhaps?" Tony asked. Clint and Natasha's eyes widened at this statement. Thor and Steve looked on, confused at the phrase.

"I do not understand." Thor asked.

"Yeah, I'm kinda lost here too. I fought for America." Steve claimed.

"Do you swing the other way, Captain?" Clint asked, carefully.

"I'm right-handed," the Captain replied, still confused.

"What we mean is, are you gay?" Bruce asked, cutting to the chase.

"I'm not particularly happy being the butt of everyone's jokes today, if that's what you mean." Steve said. Tony sighed loudly and placed his hands on the Captain's shoulders.

"What we mean is, _do you sexually prefer men instead of women_?" Tony asked, exasperated.

Steve's face turned tomato red at this question and pushed himself away from Tony.

"No! I am not a homosexual!" he yelled.

"It is not something to be ashamed of, my friend. In my homeland, it is looked upon as the purest of love, for you cannot bear children like others marry for." Thor exclaimed, finally understanding.

"I don't find it _wrong_, I'm just _not,_" Steve said, heatedly. The others looked at each other skeptically.

"Whatever you say, Captain." Bruce said. The others nodded, trying to calm him down.

"I still say you need to get laid." Tony said, pointedly.

"It wouldn't hurt, Cap," said Clint.

"Behind every great man is a greater woman," Natasha joined in.

"One must enjoy the _pleasure_ of being with a woman!" Thor claimed, pounding his fist on the table.

"All right, all right! Even if I did agree," Steve began, "who would I actually be comfortable with? I mean, have you seen the women of this era? The other day I had a woman throw her unmentionables at me while I was giving a speech!" he shuddered. "Women nowadays are just not like they used to be." He closed his eyes, remembering his lost love from the war.

"Look, Captain. We're trying to get you to lose your virginity, not get married. We just need to find-" Tony was interrupted by the conference room doors bursting open. A petite brunette had walked in to the room noisily, snacking on a bag of potato chips.

"Do you guys know where they keep the hot sauce around here?" Darcy Lewis asked, lazily. She fiddled with her iPod as she waited for a response.  
"Probably in the place where you found those chips, m'am." Steve deadpanned. Darcy gave him an irritated look.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me "m'am" or I would kick you in the balls." Darcy said.

"I'm sorry," Steve said, feigning regret, adding "_m'am_" after a brief pause. Darcy flung her bag of chips at his face.

"That's it," she yelled before coming at him. Tony decided to intervene before things got further out of hand.

"Whoa there, short stuff." Tony laughed, as he hauled Darcy away from the Captain by her waist. She pushed herself away from him and brushed off a few chip crumbs from her sweater while mumbling a string of curses under her breath. After a few seconds she began to walk towards the door, stopping only to glare menacingly at the Captain.

"Next time you won't have the Tin Man to rescue you," Darcy muttered, pushing through the doors and out of sight.

"His name is Iron Man," Steve called after her, lamely. "Who does she think she is anyway?" Tony grinned back at the flustered Steve.

"Does anyone else feel that sexual tension in the air?" Tony asked the room. A flurry of hands went up in the air, all except Captain Rogers.

"What am I miss...oh no. No, no ,no ,no." Steve began to shake his head dismissively.

"I do believe we've found our Mrs. America."

_a/n: This is a collaboration with my good friend **wanderingjaggerjack**. She dreamed about it and we just had to write a story out of it. We just loved the idea of a humorous one-shot about Captain America and his virginity. Yes, we are a little perverted. Anyway, hope you enjoy this little fic and review if you love it or hate it._

_Best wishes,_

_Lori & **wanderingjaggerjack**_


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